


Behind closed doors

by torifrazer



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Dealing with panic attacks, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, M/M, Panic Attacks, Simon is a good friend, Social Anxiety, a bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-20 13:44:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11922135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torifrazer/pseuds/torifrazer
Summary: A rather cool hand appeared on his cheek and turned his head until he was facing Simon, who was kneeling inbetween his legs on the floor. His bright eyes were serious, but full with worry and he brought his second hand up to Chris' other cheek to keep his head straight. “You hear me okay?”Chris didn't quite manage a nod, it was more a tilting forward of his head, his eyes closing in the process.Simon used his hands to carefully shake Chris' head. “Oh no, no. Keep looking at me, Christopher.”Chris is secretly dealing with social anxiety and panic attacks, even though his co-stars know, they can't always prevent anything from happening.





	Behind closed doors

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! I'm back writing fanfiction, yaaay. *clears throat*  
> Hope you all are okay and you enjoy this piece of work! Kudos would be so nice and I'm always happy about comments! :)

# Behind closed doors

  
When Chris got up in the morning, he already had a weird feeling that this wouldn't be a very good day. Based on that feeling, he would have loved to stay inside his hotel room, watching bad soaps and occasionally calling up the room service for some food, but given the fact that he just had the hotel room because of the Con in town, this was sadly impossible. People were counting on him, fans had paid good money to get an autograph or maybe even a photo with him (in his sleep-drunken state he wasn't quite sure if it was his photo-day today, but he guessed with his luck, it probably was) and he didn't want to leave his Star Trek co-stars hanging, because of a bad gut feeling.  
  
He forced himself out of bed after a few more minutes of playing with his phone, glancing out the window on his way to the bathroom. The sun was shining, even though it was towards the end of September already, and it seemed to be fairly warm with a soft breeze making it more bearable. His clothes were laid out on one of the two comfortable chairs in the small sitting area and after taking a quick, cold shower and brushing his teeth, Chris got dressed rather unwillingly. This wasn't really a good idea, he knew it. His gut feeling was usually right and it also usually alarmed him when it really wasn't the day to interact with people.  
One would probably call him a fairly sociable person and that was true, but only to an extend, though. As much as he liked spending time with friends and being around people in general, he also had some _issues_ with them. It wasn't that noticeable, he didn't turn into a stuttering mess whenever he was around people, he was lucky to be spared of that, but he tented to feel uncomfortable around people he didn't know or people he had to ask something of, which sometimes ended in him ordering the wrong food or drinks, because he had been completely overwhelmed with the situation. Especially when people randomly asked him something, even if it was as simple as “Would you like onions with that?”. It usually ended with him quickly nodding, even though he didn't actually want onions. He would just pick them off of his food later, when he was sure the waiter wouldn't see. Sadly, his social anxiety also came with a lot, but mostly subtle panic attacks, whenever he was in crowds, the pressure of a situation got too overwhelming or he was thinking just a tick too much. It wasn't like he couldn't handle these panic attacks, they usually didn't attract any attention and if they did, he tried to remove himself from the situation without acting too suspicious. His co-stars were aware of his problems, he had told them one night when they had all been hanging out in Zach's trailer after a long day of shooting and had a few glasses of wine, knowing they might have to help him out once or twice when the press tours started. Even if it just was covering for him, so he could go get some fresh air or something. 

“Hey, Chris, you ready?”, a knock on the door dragged him out of his thoughts and he quickly dragged his shirt over his head, before grabbing his wallet and phone.   
“Yeah, be there in a second.”, he called back, looking around for his keycard and when he had finally stashed it in his wallet, he took one last glance in the mirror. He looked normal, only being a bit paler than usual and his eyes didn't quite look like he was ready to deal with the day. He quickly shook his head. It would be fine, he was making things up now.   
Zach was waiting on the other side of the door, greeting him with a smile when the blond finally walked out of the room and pulled the door shut behind himself. “How did you sleep? Did you just get up?”   
Chris nodded, sliding his wallet and phone into the pockets of his pants. “Yeah, just got up. Wasn't the greatest of nights, I couldn't sleep for quite a while.”  
“You heard the guys screaming around in the streets, too?”, Zach asked, shaking his head as they started walking towards the elevator. “Glad the police showed up, even though it took them five fucking hours.” Chris only nodded, hiding a yawn behind his hand and pressing the elevator button.  
“But you really need to stop skipping breakfast.”, the dark-haired man said after a few moments, now a soft frown on his face. “Since lunch is never around the same time. Your body needs the energy.”  
Chris rolled his eyes, letting Zach step into the elevator first when it arrived with a soft 'ding'. “Breakfast is not that important, Zach. I don't even want to eat, when I just got up. Usually takes me a few hours to get hungry.”  
“Still.”, Zach sighed, leaning against the hand rail as he crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Zoe probably has some snacks in her purse anyways. Might want to steal some later on.”

*

They arrived backstage around the same time as Karl and Simon, sitting down on the huge couches to get some more rest, before the panels started. Chris got a few concerned looks once and then, since he wasn't talking much and had decided to stay a bit to himself. People just weren't really his thing today and he already felt like it was harder to breathe, when more and more people started buzzing around backstage. He declined anything he was offered, thinking to himself that an empty stomach was probably a better idea, in case the nausea was getting worse.   
“Not much of a people-person today?”, Karl teased and sat down in a chair next to him. Chris had seated himself a bit further away from the others, so he wouldn't feel too bad about not talking.   
The blond shrugged as an answer, toying with one of the incredible hideous plastic flowers that decorated the few tables in the room. “Guess not. Had a weird feeling getting up.”  
The other man furrowed his brows, concern dancing in his dark eyes. “You know, you didn't have to come. We could have handled it without you.”  
Chris shook his head and sighed softly, not sure what to say now. Karl was always there for him, they had developed quite an awesome friendship over the last few year and after a few drunken kisses and Karl's failed marriage, maybe there was a bit more too. They just didn't see each other often enough to figure out what exactly it was.   
“Listen.”, Karl's voice hauled him back into reality and he looked up into the familiar face of the Kiwi man. “If it gets too much, you just go, alright? Nobody's going to be angry with you and we can figure everything out with the fans. Say you have a stomach bug or something.”  
“You know, I'm not gonna do that.”, Chris said, his voice almost pained. It was true. As uncomfortable as he was sometimes, he couldn't handle disappointing the fans or putting his co-stars into the situation of having to defend him. He was selfless like that.   
Now it was Karl's turn to sigh and one of his big, warm hands came up to rest on Chris' thigh. “Yeah, and you are an idiot because of it.” His thumb was drawing soothing circles on the inside of Chris' thigh and he seemed to think for a moment, before he just sighed again. It was a deep sigh, sounding almost defeated. “Wait here a second.”  
The older man pushed himself out of his chair again, walking over to where the others were sitting on the couches and as he bent down to his backpack, he talked quietly with them. Chris knew it was probably about him, but it didn't matter to him. He could understand, it was better the others had a heads-up anyways, knowing he wasn't angry or something, but that he just didn't feel like talking.   
Karl rummaged through his backpack for a few moments, before he returned to the seat next to Chris with a bottle of water and a pack of chewing gum in his hand.   
He rolled his eyes, when he saw Chris' eyebrows raise in disapproval of being treated like a child. “What? Don't look at me like that. I know, how stupid you can be sometimes. How much have you had to drink today, hm?” His kiwi-accent was coming through a bit more, when he seemed to be worried. Chris grimaced.   
“I got up like an hour ago, I didn't really have the time yet to down like three bottles of water.”  
“You feeling a bit dizzy? Nauseous?”  
“A bit.”, Chris responded sourly, already knowing where this was going.   
“And how exactly do you expect it to get, at least a little, better if you don't drink?”, Karl asked in a voice, that definitely showed how badly he knew he was right. It wasn't quite smug, but close to it.   
He put the water bottle down on the table and Chris grabbed it, screwing the lid open and taking a few sips. It didn't make him feel better in an instant, making it worse for a few moments, but he knew Karl was right and it would help his circulation later on. Karl had sat back down next to him, texting away on his phone as he waited for Chris to finish drinking. As soon as the blond had screwed the bottle close again, he put his phone down and pushed the pack of chewing gum over to him.   
“Probably won't help much, but chewing might help distracting you a bit.”, he explained after Chris shot him a confused glance. “Besides, it keeps you from getting hungry until lunch. I agree with you that eating something now won't be too helpful.”   
Chris nodded slowly and popped one of the gums into his mouth, pocketing the rest of the pack. He managed to smile at Karl thankfully, taking a deep breath when one of the managers came backstage to tell them they had only a few more minutes until the panel started.   
“The others will understand, if you want to sit next to me, you know that, right?”, Karl asked, lowering his voice a little when a middle-aged woman started fixing Zoe's hair a few feet away from them. For a second, Chris felt tempted to accept that offer, but then he thought about them walking out onto that stage and having to swap name signs and paperwork and he immediately shook his head. He couldn't think of anything more suspicious.   
“No, it's alright, I'll manage. Thanks, though.”  
Karl shrugged and turned to get up. “Your loss.”  
Oh, Chris knew that. 

*

The blond ended up sitting with Zoe on his right and Simon on his left, which wasn't too bad. They both tended to talk quite a lot, which gave him the opportunity to just lean back in his chair and try to relax. The room was filled to the brim with people and the atmosphere seemed to be buzzing. It was hot underneath the artificial lights and the air was humid almost, too thick to be able to breathe freely. Or maybe it was just him, because he could feel himself starting to panic as he realized all eyes were on him.   
He cleared his throat and leaned forward, gripping the table cloth that was hanging over the edge tightly, his whole body tensing up. “Sorry, what was that? See, guys, that's what happens when you are seated next to someone as beautiful as Simon Pegg.” His voice sounded a bit rough and scratchy to his ears, like it didn't quite belong to him, but humor was always a good way to cover up how uncomfortable he was and a round of laughter went through the room. He could feel his breathing coming a little faster now, swallowing thickly to slick his throat and calm himself. He didn't dare to reach for his glass of water, too embarrassed by the fact that he had completely missed when the whole fucking room had turned its attention on him.   
Black and white dots started spreading in his view and he blinked sharply to suppress the wave of dizzyness and nausea.   
A young girl was standing at the podium with the microphone clasped tightly in her hand, her other hand holding onto her Star Trek-shirt. She looked exactly as uncomfortable as Chris felt right now and the blond felt even worse now, knowing he had put her into that situation because he hadn't listened the first time.   
“Go on, sweetheart, ask again.”, he encouraged her, feeling like his body was frozen in place and his muscles ached because of the tension they were in. The smile on his face felt like it was someone else's.   
“I-I...what I wanted to know was..”, she interrupted herself and took a deep breath, bringing the mic closer to her mouth. “I wanted to know if you see a lot of resemblance between your Captain Kirk and William Shatner's Captain Kirk.” She said the words in a rush, but seemed to be relieved as soon as they were out of her mouth. Chris felt her on that a lot.  
He swallowed again, his hands trembling and let go of the table cloth in fear he would pull it off the table. Simon looked like he was about to put a stop on this panel to get him backstage, always the worried dad he was, but he seemed to be waiting on Chris to give him a sign to do so. Which he wouldn't, of course. Zoe scooted about an inch closer, which was nothing compared to how much space still was between them, but she didn't seem to dare to move any closer or reach out for him. Next to Simon was Zach, who had his hand on Simon's forearm to keep from doing something stupid like calling the entire panel off now. They all knew that wouldn't be a solution to anything and would only make Chris feel worse.   
Sofia Boutella, who played Jaylah in the newest Star Trek movie, was seated next to Zoe and bit her lip nervously, like she was afraid something was about to blow up. Chris didn't dare to turn his head further to the right, where Karl was sitting.   
And again, Chris released how the attention of the room was still entirely on him.   
“Are you okay, Mr. Pine?”, the young girl asked, her voice only stumbling slightly over the words.  
He immediately forced another smile onto his face and nodded, but it probably looked more like he was jerking around his head like a drugged person at a rave. “Yeah, of course. Just trying to think of an answer to this phenomenal question.” It was getting harder to speak now, his voice sounded strained and his chest was aching with the effort of controlling his ragged breathing.   
He had no idea what his answer was in the end, the only thing that mattered was Simon getting up after he had answered, stretching and claiming that he desperately needed a cup of tea now. The panel seemed to over, because everyone gave them one last round of applause and started leaving afterwards. The bright lights directed at the movie stars were turned off only moments after. 

“Chris, can you hear me?”, Zach's voice appeared somewhere on his left side. He wasn't quite yelling, not to draw any attention back to them, but he seemed to raise his voice a little like he had asked the question at least once already. Chris still couldn't bring himself to answer, he felt like he was going to throw up as soon as he opened his mouth.   
A hand wrapped itself around his upper arm and he was hauled up into a standing position, someone started tugging him along.  
“Don't be so rough with him, if he startles out of whatever he's in right now, he might have a heart attack or something.”, that was Zoe now.   
“The kid's thirty-five, he'll be fine on the heart attack-front.”, Simon's gruff voice replied, but one could hear the concern seeping through. “Can't let him sit there gaping like a fish. Now that would make a good article.”  
Nobody could argue that he wasn't right. Simon still had his hand tightly wrapped around Chris' arm, keeping him close when they went down the stairs of the stage. Zach and Idris Elba were walking in front of them, Zoe somewhere to Chris' left side.   
Chris' vision faded a little, the black dots growing larger and thicker, but he didn't pass out, only stumbled down the last step more ungracefully than intended. He was breathing like he had just ran a marathon, one of his trembling hands tightly grasping Simon's jacket like he would drown as soon as he let go.   
Fast foot steps sounded behind them and Zoe slowed down to let Karl through, who immediately wrapped his arm around Chris' waist to steady him and pull him in closer.   
The backstage-area was almost empty to their luck and Zach shooed out the two or three staff-people, who had waited on them to get back. Idris, Sofia and John Cho took off to manage the press situation outside without drawing much attention to what was going on behind closed doors.   
“Karl, get him over there.”, Simon ordered, jerking his head in the direction of the couches. “Best to lay him down when he has his breathing under control. Zoe, would you be a darling and organize some tea?-”, the woman immediately nodded and disappeared. “-Zach, I need you to go and get some of those microvable heating-packs, at least two.” Chris could hear them talking, but it sounded like it was far, far away and his legs felt like jelly. If it wasn't for Karl holding him up, his legs would have probably given him up by now.   
Somehow he ended up sitting on the couch, his vision fading in and out like his body had fun just fucking with him and he swallowed down another wave of nausea. He knew he was overreaction, he knew it wasn't a big deal, he just couldn't get his body to _understand_ that. 

A rather cool hand appeared on his cheek and turned his head until he was facing Simon, who was kneeling inbetween his legs on the floor. His bright eyes were serious, but full with worry and he brought his second hand up to Chris' other cheek to keep his head straight. “You hear me okay?”  
Chris didn't quite manage a nod, it was more a tilting forward of his head, his eyes closing in the process.   
Simon used his hands to carefully shake Chris' head. “Oh no, no. Keep looking at me, Christopher.”  
The blond forced his eyes to open again, sucking in another hectic, ragged breath. His arms started to tingle from the lack of oxygen in his bloodstream and white spots danced in his vision, whenever it wasn't fading out on him. He wanted to know where Karl went.   
“It's alright.”, Simon said, his voice growing softer and he started making his own breathing more obvious for Chris to be able to copy it. “What happened out there could have happened to anyone one of us, nobody noticed anything weird. You did a great job.” He took another deep breath to motivate Chris to follow his lead. “Deep breaths. I know, you are trying, but you can try harder. Come on.” Chris tried, he really did, but the air didn't reach his lungs properly, leaving him gasping like a fish on land. His eyes were looking around for Karl, wanting the other man to be close by. He made him feel safer.   
Simon took a look over his own shoulder to figure out what Chris was looking for, but then put one and one together, nodding to a place somewhere behind Chris. “Karl's getting you some fresh clothes and hopefully, a bottle of water. He'll be back in a few minutes.” The blond could easily understand why Karl had left him with Simon, because Simon was the best in handling situations like that.   
He'd still have liked Karl by his side right now.   
Simon was yet the better decision, because within a few minutes, he managed to help Chris with his breathing, guiding him through at least three different breathing-exercises until it had calmed enough for him to be able to breathe properly and not having the feeling he was suffocating any second.   
The door behind Simon opened and it was Zach, who didn't come in straight away, but held the door open for Zoe first. The woman balanced a tray on her arms with a huge pot of tea and at least eight cups on it. She put it down on the table and sent a sympathetic look to the blond, looking like she resisted to smooth his hair out of his face like she would have done with one of her twin boys, Bowie and Cy. “I'll go and get our lunch sorted out.”  
“Thanks.”, Simon sighed, still kneeling between Chris' legs but his hands were resting on the blond's legs now instead of his face. “You might want to try and get something light for Chris, but I don't know if it isn't too late to change lunch plans now.”   
“I'll try.”, she nodded with a smile and disappeared again, squeezing past Zach, who was working on heating up the heating packs in the microwave.   
Simon returned his attention to Chris, giving him a good look-over. “You look horrible, man. Feeling sick?” Chris nodded, not trusting his voice at all. Or his stomach.   
“Dizzy?”  
Again, Chris nodded, bringing one of his trembling hands up to smooth the hair out of his face himself. He hadn't even noticed how much he was sweating until he touched his damp hair, only then noticing how damp his shirt was as well. That was probably why Karl had gone to get clothes.   
“I think, it's safe to lay down. If you feel like you can't breathe, sit back up, yeah?”, Simon said and scratched the stubble on his chin. When Chris had nodded again, he helped him to lay down and positioned a pillow underneath his head, another one stuffed under his legs to put them a bit higher up. “Comfortable?”  
Chris made a noise of approval and closed his eyes, feeling Simon get up. He felt incredible tired now, the panic attack had drained every little bit of energy from him, and he only opened his eyes, when he heard Karl returning to the backstage-area. Simon said something Chris couldn't hear and then Karl was bending over the backrest of the couch, his dark eyes finding Chris' blue ones.   
“Hey, there you are.”, his voice was quiet and soft, his scent filling Chris' nose. A soft smile appeared on the Kiwi's face, concern still in his eyes. “I brought you a fresh shirt and hoodie. Actually, they are mine, I didn't have your keycard. But I thought fresh clothes might be better than the damp ones, you are wearing now. You are trembling. Can't have you getting sick because of the A/C.” He held up two pieces of clothing, a shirt in a light gray and a black hoodie. “Feel like changing?”  
For a second, Chris was about to shake his head, but he really wanted to get out of the damp shirt.  
A few minutes later he was back to laying on the couch, but now with Karl's shirt and hoodie on. The chills running down his back were getting less and less by the minute, he was trembling only a little bit anymore. Zach had heated up the two heat-packs for him and one of them was laying on his stomach, the other wedged between him and the backrest of the couch. Karl was sitting on the couch as well, Chris' head resting in Karl's lap and the Kiwi was running his fingers through the blond hair over and over again.   
Zoe had returned with a cart of food a while later and she joined Zach and Simon on the other couch. John, Idris and Sofia had popped in to tell them they would eat with a few of the press people to give some exclusive interviews and the others had wished them a lot of fun. Chris was glad there weren't more than five people in the room now, the whole atmosphere calmer and more bearable. Everyone was munching on some food and sipping some tea, Karl once and then popping some fruit or fries in Chris' mouth, but otherwise the blond didn't feel like eating at all. Simon had made him down a whole bottle of water and some tea, so he felt a bit fuller than before anyways.   
“You won't be joining us for the next panel then, I take it?”, Zoe asked gently, her phone chirping in her hand, but she didn't turn her attention away from Chris.   
But before the blond was able to answer at all (he wasn't quite sure what he would have said anyways), Karl cleared his throat. “Of course, he's not. 'm gonna take him up to his room, when I'm done eating.” Chris raised his eyebrows at that. Okay, maybe he didn't want to go back out to join another panel, but he didn't want to be all alone in his room either.   
Simon swallowed the food in his mouth, before he spoke. “Good plan. We'll just say Chris collapsed due to a flue and you are making sure he's okay.”  
Karl nodded, taking a sip of his tea. “Thanks. I might join you again later on, but I doubt it.”  
“We understand, it's fine.”, Zoe smiled and Zach nodded in agreement.   
Chris didn't even have a word to say in that situation, but after hearing that Karl would join him upstairs in his room, he already felt better and didn't feel the need to protest.   
“I'm sorry, guys.”, he rasped out, looking at them with sad eyes, that definitely showed how disappointed he was.   
“It's no big deal, Chris, honestly. We'll have a lot of other panels, you are not missing much.”  
Chris nodded and relaxed into Karl's touch again, closing his eyes for the time being. 

*

“You wanna take a shower?”, Karl asked as they stepped into Chris' room a while later, the Kiwi's arm tightly wrapped around his waist. Chris perfectly capable of walking again, but it still felt amazing to have Karl this close by. Nevertheless, he shook his head and sighed softly.  
“I just want to sleep.”  
“Mhm, I feel you on this, but you can't possibly be comfortable like this, can you?”  
He was right, Chris noticed himself how he was reeking of sweat and his hair was still a little damp. He grimaced and seemed to think on that topic again, but Karl interrupted his train of thoughts.   
“How about we take a shower together? So, I know you won't suddenly collapse and you can get your hair washed by someone as amazing as I am.”  
“Sounds like heaven to me.”, Chris said, his cheeks turning a little red. Karl let go of him to get them some towels, while Chris was already walking into the bathroom, starting to strip off his clothes. He stepped into the shower, turning the water on already and by the time he had found the right temperature, Karl had joined him. His naked body was pressing against Chris and the blond immediately leaned back, feeling strong arms wrap around his waist.   
“You comfortable?”, Karl asked, his voice low and deep next to his ear and Chris nodded, shuddering softly. They stood like this for a while, pressed together under the shower spray and Karl was scattering soft kisses all over his neck, hair and the parts of his face he could easily reach.   
The Kiwi's strong, but gentle hands were wandering over Chris' body, soothingly stroking the wet skin everywhere he could reach and after a while, that felt like years, he reached for one of the shampoo bottles. He squirted some into his hand and started massaging it into the blond hair, washing it out a few moments later by tilting Chris' head back gently and running his fingers through the soft, wet hair.   
“You okay?”, he muttered after letting Chris straighten up and turned him around, kissing his jawline until he finally met his lips. It wasn't perfect or anything, the water was getting into both their faces now and it tasted a bit too much like soap to be good, but it was everything Chris needed right now.   
“Yeah.”, he answered, when he drew back to breathe, resting their foreheads together. “I'm okay.”

They got out soon after, drying themselves off and while Chris slipped on some loose sweatpants and a shirt, Karl only went for boxers and a zip-up hoodie. The bed hadn't been made, so it was easy to just slide back under the covers with Karl resting his back against the headboard and Chris pressed into his side, one leg thrown over Karl's.   
“You wanna watch some tv?”  
“Not actively, because I might drift off anyways.”, Chris yawned, blinking tiredly as he brought one hand up to rub his eyes.   
“Sounds good to me.”, Karl reached for the remote and turned on the first thing he could find, which was some weird comedy-science show. He turned the volume down to a comfortable background noise and settled back down, his hand running through Chris' hair and over his back in soothing circles. It was quiet, it was comfortable and Chris knew, this was what his gut feeling had wanted him to do in the first place.   
He was about to sleep, when he remembered something. “What was my answer?”  
Karl frowned. “Your what?”  
“My answer to the girl's question at the panel.”, Chris explained and shrugged sheepishly. “I have no idea what I said. I didn't mess it up, did I?”  
Karl threw his head back in laughter and then bent down to kiss him between the eyes, grinning against his forehead. “No, you didn't. You said there would be more of a resemblance if you ripped a few more shirts.” 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys liked it! Let me know what you think!


End file.
